My Snow Romance

Oh, snow, you blustery blizzard of flaky frost. Our love-hate relationship is tearing me up yet again. Why must you torment me this way? It's so exciting anticipating your arrival, will you, will you? Will life halt, ever so briefly, so that we can be together? You know how much I cherish the peace you bring when you first arrive, the freshness with which you cover everything, how exciting it is in the beginning of our time together...the freedom from obligations, the fun of your many unique activities, the crispness of first breaths taken in your beauty. And we spend hours together, actively sledding, making snowmen, or peacefully looking upon the glorious whiteness, enjoying each other's company so intensely for 24-48 hours.

And then, how quickly it goes sour. Every time, I think, this time it will last, but no, you're so cold...so cold it hurts. By the third day, you torment me with your glassy stare. I long for warmth again, and can't bundle up enough against your icy blast. And our relationship gets so ugly, dirty. I'm stressed by the time lost from work and life and you get so lazy. You just let yourself go, bulging in some places on the side of the street, or turning black from filth. We begin to turn on each other, you soaking my shoes in anger as you slowly melt away in spurts, me scraping you further away from my shelter and wishing you gone sooner and sooner. I retreat inside, and you slowly disappear.....

And then your gone. Finally, I say! It's warm again, we can go out, life returns to normal.....................and I realize, I miss you....terribly.....come again, soon, love!

MTV, really?

So I did it, I got sucked in and watched two episodes of Jersey Shore. There are so many things wrong with that show, I don't even know where to begin. Should I start with the people who actually went on the show, the producers that put it on TV or the fact that someone even came up with the premise?

I don't know if I'm more mad at the show or at myself for WASTING two hours of my life.

Being Transparent and Thoughts on Haiti

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So, if I'm allowed to be really transparent...oh wait, I can because right now only 7 people follow this blog, so gals, I'm opening up to you here...I've been really down spiritually lately. I've gone through some stages, angry at God, frustrated at other Christians and their legalism/judgment, intellectually questioning my own faith, wondering why I didn't question things growing up that don't make as much sense to me now. I continue to have heroes of the faith in all these categories, CS Lewis, Shane Claiborne, some of my own good friends, but they haven't been enough to sustain my own questioning.

So I'm at church last night, and we're singing "Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades, neverending, your glory goes beyond all fame." And I start thinking about that, because it’s been my pattern during this time to question everything about my faith. That’s pretty powerful, “everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades”. Long beyond me, frankly, when I’m dead and gone, your light will still shine? So then, I’m thinking about Haiti.

Have you seen these people on the news having worship in the streets. There was this kid they pulled out of the wreckage on day 4, and he says “God kept the roof from crashing down on me, so I had a space to be in.” He’s like 10 and praising God for his survival.

So it would be really cliché of me to say, “if they can praise God right now in Haiti with that devestation, then how can I be so petty about my faith here in America.” That’s not what I want to say, in fact, the realization I had last night was ….Everlasting…God’s glory goes beyond the devastation in Haiti, beyond the 200,000+ that have died. And people are choosing to praise Him, in the midst of that. I don’t have all my answers, I still have some issues with God, my relationship with Him is not as easy as I thought it was supposed to be, but at the very core, I need to dig deep and find it within myself to praise Him, even with all my crap, or beyond all my crap, because He will outshine all my crap, long after I’m dead and gone. “And the cry of my heart, is to bring you praise, from the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out.”

I can’t make myself always feel that way, there’s no way the people of Haiti can feel that way right now. But God made us to need to cry out to Him from the inside out, and there is a place in the depth of our heart that needs that, desires that, no matter what else is going on around us. So I did, and it was good.

Coffee and Change

Mmmm...first sip of my morning coffee, hot and bitter, one of my favorite things in the world, and my second most favorite moment of each day. (The first is the moment right after I get in bed where I really nestle into my pillow with covers up to my neck, the comfort right before I go to sleep.) Back to the hot coffee, what better time to think about life and write my blog.

Tomorrow, my best friends move to Brazil.

I do not really have the words to express how I feel inside. I have purposely not allowed myself to dwell on it until this very moment to keep some of those feelings pushed down. When I look back over the past 10 years of my life, the most pain and loss I've had to deal with has all been related to change within my friends and groups of friends. And even many years later, I have not gotten over all that pain. And now, I feel my heart breaking again at the loss of good friends. However, not all of my past situations were good ones, and this time I know and see God's hand at the center guiding all that is happening around me.

I am so happy for the mission of Seeds Of Hope, and am working hard on this end to help that school get up & running. I can't wait for those orphans and street kids to get in there, on the very floors I've helped pour, walls I've painted. And I know how crucial it is for my dear ones to be there for every minute of that mission. But that's where it is a loss for us, a loss of our time together, sharing the daily ins & outs of life as we have for the past 11 years. I cannot express the depth of the mix of sadness and joy I feel as I prepare to say goodbye. What I know is that the LOVE that you can have for people if you understand that love is of and is GOD, and is thus beyond our human comprehension, is the love I share with my friends, Roberto & Rachel. And our friendship is beyond physical boundaries like oceans and countries.

In the end, reflecting on all the change of the past 10 years, I know that change is necessary and good, painful and difficult. And I know that change will continue to the be one friend that will never leave me, in fact he hounds me. (I try to get him to leave, but alas, he sticks around). And ultimately, change has made my life better, stronger and interesting. And while I don't want to say I welcome the future pain & struggle that will come from change, I know that I must, and that I will get through and will reflect when it's all over about God's amazing guidance of my life.

So why the title?

I have been thinking about having a blog for 3 years now. And now, I'm finally giving it a go. Not really sure what I'm gonna put on it. Have a lot of ideas...

There are all the Mom blogs, you know "Smith Family of Four", and it's all pictures of their kids, their vacations, etc. I'm sure I can write about some of the hilarious things my kids say, like when Delphie called me "old woman", but it's just not my style to blog all day about my kids.

I like to bake cakes and there are all kinds of great blogs...of people already doing that. So rule that one out.

I thought when I began wanting to do this 3 years ago, that I'd be a real intellectual blogger, writing deep thoughts on Christianity, politics, morals, and people's general idiocy. But that's a lot of work.

So, I'll just figure it out day by day. One day this, one day that. I'm finally getting around to actually writing, so I guess I'll figure out a blog style eventually...

Thank you, faithful followers

Haha, I love that this blog I started almost 2 years ago (and never told anyone about) has a few followers, those dear artistic SEEK gals that i love so much. I originally created this to be the SEEK blog that youth leaders could post to and then kids could read & respond. But since now the trend is for everyone to have a their own blog, I guess I'll join up and change this one to my own. So thank you, followers, for bringing me to this point, and look for changes in the next few days to this as it becomes my own story of the ups & downs of life.