Being Transparent and Thoughts on Haiti

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So, if I'm allowed to be really transparent...oh wait, I can because right now only 7 people follow this blog, so gals, I'm opening up to you here...I've been really down spiritually lately. I've gone through some stages, angry at God, frustrated at other Christians and their legalism/judgment, intellectually questioning my own faith, wondering why I didn't question things growing up that don't make as much sense to me now. I continue to have heroes of the faith in all these categories, CS Lewis, Shane Claiborne, some of my own good friends, but they haven't been enough to sustain my own questioning.

So I'm at church last night, and we're singing "Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades, neverending, your glory goes beyond all fame." And I start thinking about that, because it’s been my pattern during this time to question everything about my faith. That’s pretty powerful, “everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades”. Long beyond me, frankly, when I’m dead and gone, your light will still shine? So then, I’m thinking about Haiti.

Have you seen these people on the news having worship in the streets. There was this kid they pulled out of the wreckage on day 4, and he says “God kept the roof from crashing down on me, so I had a space to be in.” He’s like 10 and praising God for his survival.

So it would be really cliché of me to say, “if they can praise God right now in Haiti with that devestation, then how can I be so petty about my faith here in America.” That’s not what I want to say, in fact, the realization I had last night was ….Everlasting…God’s glory goes beyond the devastation in Haiti, beyond the 200,000+ that have died. And people are choosing to praise Him, in the midst of that. I don’t have all my answers, I still have some issues with God, my relationship with Him is not as easy as I thought it was supposed to be, but at the very core, I need to dig deep and find it within myself to praise Him, even with all my crap, or beyond all my crap, because He will outshine all my crap, long after I’m dead and gone. “And the cry of my heart, is to bring you praise, from the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out.”

I can’t make myself always feel that way, there’s no way the people of Haiti can feel that way right now. But God made us to need to cry out to Him from the inside out, and there is a place in the depth of our heart that needs that, desires that, no matter what else is going on around us. So I did, and it was good.