I RAN a Half Marathon!

Here's the proof:

Pre-race. Don't be fooled by the smiles, we were FREEZING.

I'm really not in as much pain as my face shows. I was enjoying myself.

Crossing the finish line. I really ran the whole thing...didn't even walk!
All done, medals achieved!!!! (Be sure to note Anna in the picture)

All in all, it was a great day. Don't get me wrong....it was hard & painful (esp for the next 3 days), but it was fun. I had a great time, achieved a decent time that I was proud of, and proved to myself a really big lesson of determination. And while I won't do it again, I'd say I've come to enjoy running, and am looking forward to the 10k in the spring.

Survived & Thrived

I did survive the 11 miles this past weekend. It was hard & tedious, but I did it and in a totally respectable time too (for me!). So now I'm pumped for this weekend. I don't know if I'm more excited for this to be over or to actually run the race.

I said in my last running post that I would praise the merits of team & accountability after being so me-centered last time. And it's true, even though a majority of my running during this training process has been alone, the accountability to the team has been a major motivational factor. You have to achieve goals like this for yourself, but you also do it for the team because everyone is working hard, equally hard and you don't want to let anyone down. You don't want to quit on the team. And the team is a very ENCOURAGING part of the process, cheering each other on as you pass major milestones is so important.

On my 11 this past week, Keith biked the route next to me (he's resting his knee for the race b/c it's been acting up again), and it was so encouraging and comforting to have a partner through the 11 miles.

And you know, this is also the truth of our life and our faith. We must make our decision to follow Christ alone, and only Christ sees the solitude in our hearts, but we are a TEAM. We have to work hard because others are working hard around us and for the good of all of us, we can't let each other down, and we NEED to encourage each other through the milestones, both the wonderful and the tragic. God means for us to do this in life together, he means for this team of family, friends and relationships to be a physical aspect of Him, encouraging us and comforting us. And through it, though we have to do the work ourselves, we as a team of believers achieve GREAT THINGS!

I have HP7Part1. Is there a shot for that?

I cannot wait for Harry Potter 7 (Part 1) to come out. Spana and I are going to see it Nov 20th. I know, I know....but I realized that I cannot attend HP on opening night a few years back b/c I get legitimately angry at all the little pre-teens in their costumes and glasses and fake scars who cannot even appreciate the depth of the story. I'm re-reading again to get ready!

9 and counting....4 more to go!

I RAN 9 MILES THIS PAST WEEKEND! OMG...I seriously can't even believe it myself. And here's my running lesson from this week, I can do it by myself.

The hubs & I have been fighting for awhile now b/c he and some family/friends were the ones that talked me into this craziness, but I run slower than everyone else (and I'm d... proud of my achievement of taking my 13min mile to an 11)! And it's been really frustrating to see everyone else running ahead of me and thinking that I'm gonna end up running this stupid race by myself. And the few times Keith would slow down to run with me, it was really hard for him, hurt his knees, and he'd have to even stop and wait, etc.

But what has happened, that I did not expect, is that I have come into my own with this running stuff. It's no big thing for me to go out and run 5 miles by myself and love it. And this weekend, when it was time for the big 9-miler, I knew I had to do it alone, and I did, and I didn't doubt myself. And I know I can do it again, and I will be able to do it on race day (only 1.5 weeks away). By myself, along with the other 20,000 runners that will be out there that day, haha. But I know if my friends and Keith are ahead of me, they'll be cheering me on at the finish line when I ACCOMPLISH THIS BY MYSELF.

Now, all that said, tomorrow I'll write my lesson on how the accountability of our team has been a crucial part of me sticking with this, and I'll end that post with.....YOU CAN'T DO THIS ALONE!!!! Hahaha.

Other little running lessons this week:

• All those gels & goos that runners use are just straight shots of carbohydrates, and I tried them, but I read an article from a doctor who runs marathons and took this little tidbit. Try a candy bar, it has the same shot of carbs. Seriously, so during my 9-miler, I ate a mini Snickers instead of the goo, and LOVED IT! Will definitely use that trick again.
• Running pants are the best! No more distraction of constantly pulling down the shorts.
• Cheering and encouragement is the BEST! Keith drove to meet me on the last mile of my 9-miler this past weekend, and the kids were cheering in the car "Go Mommy" and "Mommy's awesome", and they even got out and ran with me in their PJ's for like 2 minutes. And it was the best motivation EVER. I booked it home the last mile b/c of that.

I'll let you know if I survive 11 this weekend.

Sloppy Joes

If you don't follow this blog, pioneer woman cooks, you're missing out on some of the best recipes EVER. So I randomly decided this week to make Sloppy Joes as one of my weekly meals (I plan my meals out for the week on Sunday before we go grocery shopping), but I knew I wanted to make them homemade, not Manwich. So I googled it, and Ree's recipe came up....which of course, I was like, duh....should've checked her sight first. Anyways, her recipe was AWESOME, but I added carrots to sneak in veggies for my kids. You just dice them and cook them in the beginning with the onions & peppers.

But so here's the best part, we're sitting down to dinner, and Delph is like "what are sloppy joes?" And I'm like, "really? I've never made you sloppy joes?" And I hadn't, Delphie had not had a basic American tradition at 7 years old! Because I'd never made them b/c I've never been a big fan of Manwich. Yet, I grew up on these things! SHE LOVED THEM. Maybe b/c the recipe was awesome. Maybe just because sloppy joes are awesome. And she commented, "I get why they call them sloppy, but why joe?" Good question, my wise sage of the 7-year-old world, good question.

Running Through The Pain

So I haven't blogged about my half-marathon training in awhile....here are the updates:

1) We are officially signed up for the race! $75 in....EACH! So there is no backing out now. Come out and support us if you want, November 13th, you can google the course online to pick a good watching spot. It's early, we start at 7:30, but no worries, I'll be running for a solid 3 hours, so come on down around 9, and I'm sure I'll still be tortoise-ing along.

2) I have shin splints! UGH. If you've ever had them, they are EXTREMELY painful. And you can get all kinds of advice, ice them, brace them, tap your foot, stretch, etc. But the only way to make them go away is to STOP the activity that caused them and let them rest. But I can't and I'm not. So I do all the things mentioned above and I run anyway. It's been terribly painful, and gotten better at the same time. I did lower my training in the past two weeks to try to give them some more significant rest, and that seems to have helped. I only have to run a 10k today.....ONLY, hahaha! But this week I've got to pick it back up for 9er next weekend. The race is only 3 weeks away, so I'm just gonna suck it up and RUN THROUGH THE PAIN (sounds like a good sermon in there somewhere....maybe I'll blog about that as a devotional later.)

3) I've officially reached another mile stone, last weekend we ran 8 miles. So proud of myself, really happy I accomplished it.....and it was the most miserable experience of my life. Seriously! In being retrospective on this whole race thing, I can say honestly, that I'm pretty proud of myself and have learned that I don't totally dislike running. I can see myself continuing to go out and run 3 miles 3-4 times a week, with maybe a long 5-miler on the weekends. I could even see myself training annually for a 10k, BUT I will NEVER do something of this length again. It's so much pressure, our lives are already insanely busy with two young kids, jobs & tons of activities. But each week we also have to fit in hours & hours of running. And then when you do a long run, you're wiped out for days! I literally couldn't walk normally for two days after the 8 miles. So I'm going through with it, but that's it for me, cross it off the bucket list. No Marathons or Triathalons for this gal. Ironically, after running the miserable 8 miles, I went out this week and had the best run of my life, 5 miles faster than ever (for me) and no pain.

4) I'm a sucker for the gear. As you saw in an earlier post, I already have my armband for music, my water bottle belt. And now I'm using energy gels! I need some cold weather running pants, and I get totally a ga-ga about all the great athletic clothes when I walk in REI or Dicks. I love the idea that I could walk into Starbucks on a Saturday morning in my cool athletic clothes and look totally hard core like the other runners I've seen in there in the past. To bad when I'm actually running, I look nothing like that.

I vow to listen

So, I've wanted to write since I was about a senior in high school. When I first went to college, that was my direct goal, I studied English, read all the classic literature, wrote & edited for the paper. But after time, that gave way to other goals. I'm happy with all the things I've done, especially being a teacher and my work now at WEAG. But I still want to write.

These days I dream about my various projects....I'd love to write fiction for teenage girls (not the Gossip Girl stuff), but cool, relevant stories with Christian messages. Or I'd love to write theology books, and die waiting to be published in the oversaturated market. And I have this great idea about a funny devotional book for the working/soccer/crazed/messy house mom, who can't even find a time to have devotions.

But that's the background to my title for this post. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, and this gal is so much fun. She's got a colorful personality, has great stories and is just really fun to talk to. And I got to thinking, the kinds of conversations I have with her are the kinds of conversations that people write into their books to help make points. You know, all good writers have tons of stories in their books that help them express what they are getting at.

And then I realized, I'm 35, and I'm totally lacking in having paid attention to those conversations, those stories for my whole life. I don't listen enough. I mean, I listen well enough to respond back, even to offer good advice, but I don't listen enough for poignant moments, for conversations or comments that are so good and meaty, that you want to go home and record them for future use.

Not just so I can be a good writer, but so that I can be a better friend, person, example to my kids.............I vow to be a better listener!

5 Miles...Check!

Hello fellow bloggers and readers. It has been awhile, but I'm back and I'm still running. Only 9 weeks until the big race, but I'll get you caught up on that in a minute.

It would be way to cumbersome to catch you up on the two months that I haven't blogged, but let me just say that they were INSANE! I have been fighting with mother nature, I'll just hint at some of my adventures....14 ft alligator, Delphie's snake bite, frogs, spiders, roaches, Hurricane Earl, poison ivy & and an entire colony of Red Fire ants that attacked my feet. All in the midst of a very, very busy & exciting summer.

But now, we are home, and in the routine. School, preschool, work, and all the kids' activities, soccer, dance, Taekwando, and now we are trying to fit our regular running into the normal balance of life as well.

I have been keeping up with the running, by mid-August I had built myself up to a regular 3 miles (which was necessary to even begin an official Half-Marathon training program). So three weeks ago, we started the 12-week Hal Higdon training program for Novice runners. And yes, yesterday, Saturday, 9/11/2010, I RAN 5 MILES. And here's the crazy part....I felt good. My legs hurt, painfully actually, but my breathing felt good, and I really felt like if I had to I could keep going. I did it!

And yes, I'm all in, folks. I bought myself a water bottle belt (see picture), and I load with half water, half gatorade (gotta get those electrolytes), I've got my armband with my Droid phone that also plays music, as it uses the Endomondo app to GPS track my route, distance and mile pace. I've got my visor and my sweat-wicking shorts. I've pre-mapped all my runs. I am officially a ......... runner.

And that is beyond my comprehension. Life Lesson - never say never!

Overrun with exhaustion

Haha, just trying to use "run" in all my blog titles since I'm doing this running thing.

Side note: For those of you (2) that actually follow my blog, getting ready to overhaul it in the next few days. Had a major brainstorm of the things I really like and how they can be funny together. So stay tuned for the makeover. It will still include my brave and probably futile attempt at the half marathon, yet so much more about the real me.

But for now....went on choir tour last week. SO AWESOME! Totally a success after 4 years of not having one, think we helped everyone realize why they are so awesome. But on a side note, that meant about 10 days of no exercise, let alone my running. And I had SO built up to that solid two miles. So tonight was my first attempt back.....and I'm not gonna lie, pretty stoked on myself....ran two solid miles and ran half of the second mile at a faster pace than I usually do. (I'm a terribly slow runner). Now, as a note to would-be runners...I'm not a fan of the treadmill. I like goals like "I'll get to that tree and then walk" or "I can make it to the next street over and then it's downhill," but on the treadmill, it clocks every .01 of a mile you run so to me it feels like your crawling at a snail's pace to get to a larger goal. ("and leaving a sticky trail all the way behind you" for anyone who went to NOLA'07)

But tonight...the treadmill was the bomb. I conquered. I think b/c it was sooooooooooooooooo hot outside I knew the only way I could run was inside, so I just beefed up the music volume, watched the TV's in the gym (NCIS, I think?), and ran and ran. And I did it, I had the energy, I had the determination. Tonight's music of choice was J Roddy Walston and the Business....awesome running music if you don't have it. You can literally keep pace with it, 1st album Hail Mega Boys, next album coming soon, but you can get a 3 song EP on iTunes. I'm thinking next run, I'm gonna go for a Choir Tour Bus Dance Party Mix.

Final note, and I'm a little bitter about it....the fact that I had such good success tonight means that I must have built up some endurance prior to leaving for choir tour....which in turn means, UGH, it is time to increase to 3 miles. Glass half empty...Crap. Glass half full....hey, only 10 more miles to go after that.

It's all about the shoes....running shoes!

So, it's going to take me forever to try to backtrack my initial running, though I'm truly still in my initial stages. So here's the brief attempt:

• 5 weeks ago, started running. Couldn't run 2 full miles. But went out and got fancy "the real deal" running shoes. They even analyzed my feet & and I tried them on a treadmill in the store. Ok, so I have to stop here and expound some more b/c it was hilarious. I'm running...on a treadmill....in the middle of a store....in my jeans & cute tshirt! So she says "how do they feel?" And I'm like "compared to what?" She: "do they work well?" Me "I don't know, I don't know how they are supposed to work." She "Are they comfortable and do they stabalize your running?" Me: "I'm in a store on a treadmill in my jeans, and I'm not a runner, I couldn't begin to tell if they are remotely doing what they are supposed to be doing." I bought the shoes!
• First 2-3 times out, ran until I felt like I was going to die....about 1/2 mile. Walked a bit, ran a bit, walked a bit...liked the shoes. Note on long-term running....definitely get the motivation of cool gear like nice shoes.
  
• Accountability is good. Ran with family a few times, that pushed me...especially when Delphie is biking beside me. Frankly, it's a pain, but whenever we were going uphill, she would get "too tired" to bike up the hill, so even though I'm sucking in air like I'm buried in the sand, I'd get behind her and run while pushing her bike. Building endurance....building endurance!
• That worked. Finally about 2.5 weeks in, went for a run by myself with the old ipod set to my energetic playlist so cleverly named "Exercise," and ran the two miles on my own without stopping or walking! Success. It felt good, I felt proud. I could see the long-term goal ahead, could feel the endorphins flowing, maybe I'll end up loving this running thing afterall.
  
• Later that week, met my friend at the track to run together, again, had a good run. But as we were walking our cool down, we both looked at each other and said....great 2 miles, but really....13? No way.
  
• Been doing that 2 miles a bit now, feeling pretty good. Time to push myself up to 3. Got a head cold this week though, and my first attempt to run with it killed me. Didn't make it. Ugh. WWRRD? (What Would a Real Runner Do? in case you were wondering)
  

Haha. Thank God it's not until November. We'll see. Might have to get a new pair of shoes. I had totally underestimated the value of a woman's love for shoes in this running equation.

Too tired to blog about anything tonight, my running over the past three weeks, or my current thoughts on running, or life at all...so, I'll just say that I did get up today to meet friends at the track at 9:00am to run, and I did it, 2 solid miles. I'm telling you...I think aliens have kidnapped me and replaced me with a robot. Watch for other strange behaviors, and if necessary, please intervene for my rescue.

From that day on...I was runnin'.

Ok, so I've decided I don't really have a focus of anything to blog about. I'm not into using my blog as a journal of my life, that's what my journal is for, and I'm not trying to share all that with anyone and everyone. So far, I've just been really random. I really like blogs where there is a particular focus, someone trying to accomplish something and documenting it along the way. I'm sure there are tons or real "runners' blogs," and I'm not a real runner, at least not yet, but here goes. I'm going to blog about my attempt at running a half marathon.

And I'll still throw in some random movie reviews or other life stories along the way, but I'm going to document this interesting twist in my life.

So here's my back story. I HATE running. Always have. Have done it occasionally throughout my life for either exercise or weight loss, but never more than 2 miles, and never really on my own, always because someone else was trying to get me to do it.

But I'm surrounded in life by people that love to run, my husband, my best friend, other friends. Ugh. They've all done small races, 5ks, 10ks, some of them have even done half-marathons & full marathons. But I've no desire, really none. I don't even want to go for a jog.

Don't get me wrong I love to exercise. I love the painful stuff, weights, squats. I'll do 100 squats til I can't walk for a week, and love "the burn." But get me running 1/4 of a mile, and the cramp in my side will shut me down. I feel like I can't get enough oxygen in, my breaths are like last attempts to suck in air in a trapped coffin. Ok, so I exaggerate, but this has been the depth of my hatred for running.

So for several months now, my crew has been talking about running the half-marathon in November.....and how I'm going to do it with them. Whatev. I ignored, and ignored. No desire, I told them, just not interested. And then one day...out of the blue....I said Ok, let's do it. What? What did you just say (to myself)? Are you out of your mind (also to myself)? I just agreed.

I think there are several reasons for this. I know I can do it, I know I can do anything that I decide to do and put my mind to, and I can do anything I train for. I know this already about myself, but I think I was tired of other people thinking I didn't know it. Stop telling me "you can do it", I know I can, I have no personal doubts about my capabilities. So I think I just decided to finally do it, really to get them all off my back. Good motivation, right.

Also, I think I want to see what the hype is all about, then be done with it, and not have to do it again. Everyone says, oh no, you'll be addicted when you're done. I actually don't think that is going to happen to me, but we'll see. I want to go ahead and do it, it's a whopping 5 month commitment out of my life, and then move on. And of course, I'm really hoping the bikini-body comes as the bonus result...but trust me, it's all psychological for me.

So, we're doing it...ups, downs, highs & lows, we're doing it. And I'm going to keep you posted on the process...all 2 of you who will keep reading my blog after this entry.

(Note: now that you've read this, we actually started running two weeks ago. I've been out 5 times since deciding to start, but I didn't want to overbore you the first time, so I'll highlight some of those trials in the next blog or two and get it all caught up)

I'm not LOST anymore!

So here goes, hope I tick some people off....if you didn't like the finale of LOST, then you didn't understand the show, or at least really missed the point. For those of you that are now mad at me...here's your wakeup call. They didn't call it LOST b/c they were all lost on an island, they called it LOST because the survivors of the crash were all LOST in life. The show was about their search, finding one another, finding answers, finding themselves, and ultimately, their redemption.

If you could bear with me for a moment to call the writing of this show "literature", then I make the case that once again that literature relies heavily on our most precious story in all the world, the story of what Christ did, and thus our faith that lives out from that.

Jack in this final episode, plays the role of Christ. Don't take me wrong here, I get that it's a TV show, I'm not likening it to great theology. I'm just making the point that when great writers need a great ending, they are over and over inspired by the most beautiful and precious of all stories, that of true self-sacrifice, laying down one's life for those loved, doing the thing none other could do for the benefit of all. It's been done for centuries, but in modern times in hundreds of stories from The Grapes of Wrath to the recent Harry Potter. It gets us every time, because every human created by God, knows that feeling deep in his heart as the truest of all stories, the story of our own creator, thus of our own redemption. Even those who never acknowledge Christ as a their Savior, know this story because He has placed it in us. And though many would not acknowledge it as true, they do acknowledge it as a beautiful idea, the truest sense of how we should all love one another, which again, comes from our inherent desire to have the relationships with one another that God wants us to desire, and most specifically with Him.

And so, brilliant writers know that this will get 'em every time. Sacrifice the hero, by their own choosing. Jack chooses the role because his loved ones have put their faith in him. As I watched the last few weeks, the minute he chose to be the final candidate for himself, I knew he was going to die. I saw it coming, the beautiful Christ imagery in the end. And when it happened, I cried, and I loved it and thought it was beautiful.

And then to further the idea of our faith values in the show, the redemption of so many in the end was also equally beautiful. Ben, so deserving and equally undeserving, was given an instant moment of grace by Hugo, and therefore redeemed. And we could go, character by character, but I won't here, and talk about their redemptions in this ending season, but I will mention probably the strongest, Jin, who at the end was unwilling to leave Sun behind.

Ok, but so away from the strong themes of faith that wove so deeply into this show, let's return to the fact that was just TV, and let's just address it more superficially. If you wanted all your questions answered, then you didn't get it. Here's a hint: LIFE DOESN'T ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS! In my short 35 years, I've asked God "why" more times than I can count. 4 of them were yesterday. There are things I don't understand, people I don't understand but love anyway or dislike anyway.

There was no way they were going to answer all our questions, and there are questions we have that weren't worth their time to answer. Some of that was just what made the show so stinkin' cool. The Dharma shark?? Who cares now, we all freaked when we saw it! Who was Dharma, who were the others? Does it really matter? They did answer an amazing amount of questions, and they took us to the heart of the matter...I mean, island.

And again, they took care of the relationships, of the characters who had become our friends, of the ones who were LOST. And that's what mattered. And for that I applaud Damon & Carlton. I applaud them for their bravery NOT to answer too many mundane questions, for their brilliance as writers, for their passion for being creative and unique, and for their openness to being inspired by the most brilliant writer of stories of all time.

I loved it. I loved my time with this show over the past 6 seasons, I will probably watch it again from beginning to end sometime in the future (I keep saying that about Lord of the Rings too). If you didn't like it, perhaps you should re-evaluate your love for the show, and then go back and take a second look.

Feelin' WICKED! And actually quite good.

So total surprise, got a call from mom at 4:30 last Thursday, "aren't you having a girls' night out tonight". "Yea," I say, "we're going to dinner." "Want to go see WICKED instead?" "What? Of course!" And then, there we were with the worst best seats at WICKED. Stoked. Beyond stoked.

Absolutely one of the best shows I've ever seen, and I've seen quite a few. Among my top two for sure. And the scene Defying Gravity is the best scene of a show EVER, musically, technically, etc. I'm a techie nerd when it comes to shows, I watch the lights & the set changes, and I'm so critical and look for mistakes, etc. This was an amazing technical show!

But so here's the thing, it's also an AMAZING story. I'm a huge fan of out-of-the-box stories. Anyone (well maybe not anyone) can write a great love story and set it in war-torn and class-impacted France (Les Mis). Or a love story set amongst racial Russian families (Fiddler). And even stories like RENT, that are very out-of-the-box, but tout really political and social agendas aren't nearly as enticing to me.

But this...this crazy story of what if's. I am not just in love with this show, I'm in love with Gregory Macguire (the guy who wrote the book, Wicked:The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch). I mean really, this is how my brain works. Like him, I could watch the Wizard of Oz, and then wonder for the rest of the night, how did she become so Wicked, and why was she green? And he wrote the story. And it's genius.

But really, on a spiritual level, here's why it's so genius...not only does he wonder to write the answers to these questions, but he goes so far as to create a story where the "Wicked" witch is entirely GOOD! She wasn't wicked at all, she was moral, brave, courageous and does the right thing by everyone to the very end. And she was someone who life set out from the beginning to be against.

What if we lived our life like that? Seriously, how many people TODAY did you write off b/c they were different, unusual or too much for you to deal with? How many people did you stereotype as mean, cruel, evil or just plain "bad"? What if you were wrong? What is that persons' backstory? What if their entire life is based on their attempts to be good, but at the points your lives intersect, your perspective on their life is bad.

What if you could live life assuming that everyone wants to do good at heart? Or at the very least, has the potential to be good at heart? What if you started treating people that way? No more stereotyping, no more writing anyone off. Everyone gets treated the same, with love & respect, as if you understand that they are only trying to do their best by what they believe. What if you showed everyone LOVE? Hmmm....sounds like someone else I know, someone I try to be like every day.....yet fail miserably at. (I'll keep on trying, JC)

Try an experiment. Spend a day thinking about everyone that you encounter and that they have a back story, a personal story, that's nothing like what you think or know. How does that change how you treat them, how you interact with people? What if you treated everyone as if they were all GOOD at heart? Can you do it? Does it make a difference for you? It does for me!

It's brilliant.

My Life Is GOOD...in comparison.

I will not complain tomorrow...

Dysfunctional Procrastination

So I started a project today. And when you do a project like this, you have a lot of time to think. And I was thinking about how I need to change the title of my blog. I picked that title because I thought it was funny that I finally got around to blogging now when I wanted to start two years ago.

But now I realize it really fits. But as a first impression, it makes me sound like a huge procrastinator, perhaps even straight up lazy. But in fact, I'm neither of those things. I am a doer, everyday I have things I have to accomplish. I overcommit, I do too much, really, the complete opposite of not doing enough. And I have a very dysfunctional form of procrastination.

What I do is exactly what I've done today. I look at the things around me that have to be done, I prioritize them in my mind, then I knowing what the top priorities are, I will go and start a completely new and ridiculous project like painting my bathroom. I have a mountain of work I should be doing, I have laundry that needs me, I really ought to straighten my bedroom...kitchen...kids' rooms, and did I mention I need to work.

But I decided that certainly I had time to stop and paint my bathroom. And this is what I do, all the time. I paint whole rooms when I'm the most busy in life. I don't know what makes me do this, except the need to procrastinate what I should be doing, but I'm so not lazy that I can't procrastinate in the normal ways like video games, going shopping, movies, etc. No, I'm so overboard in my having too much to do, that I create something even more out of control than how busy my life is.

Help me! This is a true psychosis.

And that's why I love my new blog title picture. Because I will get to it ALL eventually. I always do, I get it all done. But I have a crazy way of prioritizing it.

Found this picture on Stumble. If you don't stumble, you are missing another GREAT way to procrastinate.

My Snow Romance

Oh, snow, you blustery blizzard of flaky frost. Our love-hate relationship is tearing me up yet again. Why must you torment me this way? It's so exciting anticipating your arrival, will you, will you? Will life halt, ever so briefly, so that we can be together? You know how much I cherish the peace you bring when you first arrive, the freshness with which you cover everything, how exciting it is in the beginning of our time together...the freedom from obligations, the fun of your many unique activities, the crispness of first breaths taken in your beauty. And we spend hours together, actively sledding, making snowmen, or peacefully looking upon the glorious whiteness, enjoying each other's company so intensely for 24-48 hours.

And then, how quickly it goes sour. Every time, I think, this time it will last, but no, you're so cold...so cold it hurts. By the third day, you torment me with your glassy stare. I long for warmth again, and can't bundle up enough against your icy blast. And our relationship gets so ugly, dirty. I'm stressed by the time lost from work and life and you get so lazy. You just let yourself go, bulging in some places on the side of the street, or turning black from filth. We begin to turn on each other, you soaking my shoes in anger as you slowly melt away in spurts, me scraping you further away from my shelter and wishing you gone sooner and sooner. I retreat inside, and you slowly disappear.....

And then your gone. Finally, I say! It's warm again, we can go out, life returns to normal.....................and I realize, I miss you....terribly.....come again, soon, love!

MTV, really?

So I did it, I got sucked in and watched two episodes of Jersey Shore. There are so many things wrong with that show, I don't even know where to begin. Should I start with the people who actually went on the show, the producers that put it on TV or the fact that someone even came up with the premise?

I don't know if I'm more mad at the show or at myself for WASTING two hours of my life.

Being Transparent and Thoughts on Haiti

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So, if I'm allowed to be really transparent...oh wait, I can because right now only 7 people follow this blog, so gals, I'm opening up to you here...I've been really down spiritually lately. I've gone through some stages, angry at God, frustrated at other Christians and their legalism/judgment, intellectually questioning my own faith, wondering why I didn't question things growing up that don't make as much sense to me now. I continue to have heroes of the faith in all these categories, CS Lewis, Shane Claiborne, some of my own good friends, but they haven't been enough to sustain my own questioning.

So I'm at church last night, and we're singing "Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades, neverending, your glory goes beyond all fame." And I start thinking about that, because it’s been my pattern during this time to question everything about my faith. That’s pretty powerful, “everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades”. Long beyond me, frankly, when I’m dead and gone, your light will still shine? So then, I’m thinking about Haiti.

Have you seen these people on the news having worship in the streets. There was this kid they pulled out of the wreckage on day 4, and he says “God kept the roof from crashing down on me, so I had a space to be in.” He’s like 10 and praising God for his survival.

So it would be really cliché of me to say, “if they can praise God right now in Haiti with that devestation, then how can I be so petty about my faith here in America.” That’s not what I want to say, in fact, the realization I had last night was ….Everlasting…God’s glory goes beyond the devastation in Haiti, beyond the 200,000+ that have died. And people are choosing to praise Him, in the midst of that. I don’t have all my answers, I still have some issues with God, my relationship with Him is not as easy as I thought it was supposed to be, but at the very core, I need to dig deep and find it within myself to praise Him, even with all my crap, or beyond all my crap, because He will outshine all my crap, long after I’m dead and gone. “And the cry of my heart, is to bring you praise, from the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out.”

I can’t make myself always feel that way, there’s no way the people of Haiti can feel that way right now. But God made us to need to cry out to Him from the inside out, and there is a place in the depth of our heart that needs that, desires that, no matter what else is going on around us. So I did, and it was good.

Coffee and Change

Mmmm...first sip of my morning coffee, hot and bitter, one of my favorite things in the world, and my second most favorite moment of each day. (The first is the moment right after I get in bed where I really nestle into my pillow with covers up to my neck, the comfort right before I go to sleep.) Back to the hot coffee, what better time to think about life and write my blog.

Tomorrow, my best friends move to Brazil.

I do not really have the words to express how I feel inside. I have purposely not allowed myself to dwell on it until this very moment to keep some of those feelings pushed down. When I look back over the past 10 years of my life, the most pain and loss I've had to deal with has all been related to change within my friends and groups of friends. And even many years later, I have not gotten over all that pain. And now, I feel my heart breaking again at the loss of good friends. However, not all of my past situations were good ones, and this time I know and see God's hand at the center guiding all that is happening around me.

I am so happy for the mission of Seeds Of Hope, and am working hard on this end to help that school get up & running. I can't wait for those orphans and street kids to get in there, on the very floors I've helped pour, walls I've painted. And I know how crucial it is for my dear ones to be there for every minute of that mission. But that's where it is a loss for us, a loss of our time together, sharing the daily ins & outs of life as we have for the past 11 years. I cannot express the depth of the mix of sadness and joy I feel as I prepare to say goodbye. What I know is that the LOVE that you can have for people if you understand that love is of and is GOD, and is thus beyond our human comprehension, is the love I share with my friends, Roberto & Rachel. And our friendship is beyond physical boundaries like oceans and countries.

In the end, reflecting on all the change of the past 10 years, I know that change is necessary and good, painful and difficult. And I know that change will continue to the be one friend that will never leave me, in fact he hounds me. (I try to get him to leave, but alas, he sticks around). And ultimately, change has made my life better, stronger and interesting. And while I don't want to say I welcome the future pain & struggle that will come from change, I know that I must, and that I will get through and will reflect when it's all over about God's amazing guidance of my life.

So why the title?

I have been thinking about having a blog for 3 years now. And now, I'm finally giving it a go. Not really sure what I'm gonna put on it. Have a lot of ideas...

There are all the Mom blogs, you know "Smith Family of Four", and it's all pictures of their kids, their vacations, etc. I'm sure I can write about some of the hilarious things my kids say, like when Delphie called me "old woman", but it's just not my style to blog all day about my kids.

I like to bake cakes and there are all kinds of great blogs...of people already doing that. So rule that one out.

I thought when I began wanting to do this 3 years ago, that I'd be a real intellectual blogger, writing deep thoughts on Christianity, politics, morals, and people's general idiocy. But that's a lot of work.

So, I'll just figure it out day by day. One day this, one day that. I'm finally getting around to actually writing, so I guess I'll figure out a blog style eventually...

Thank you, faithful followers

Haha, I love that this blog I started almost 2 years ago (and never told anyone about) has a few followers, those dear artistic SEEK gals that i love so much. I originally created this to be the SEEK blog that youth leaders could post to and then kids could read & respond. But since now the trend is for everyone to have a their own blog, I guess I'll join up and change this one to my own. So thank you, followers, for bringing me to this point, and look for changes in the next few days to this as it becomes my own story of the ups & downs of life.